Why I Didn’t Get Emotional and Cry Tears of Joy When You Were Born

First off, you are so very deeply loved and you have changed me, for the better, more than any other life event. Hands down. Ever. But I didn’t get emotional and cry when you were born, like I thought I would. I always heard people talk about an instant bond or connection with their newborn and an overwhelming sense of gratitude. It’s not that I didn’t have that, in my own way, but it was different than I had heard described by other moms. And it was different than I thought it would be.

I was surprisingly calm and I just wanted to look at you and figure out all the details of your brand new little self. I initially just thought maybe we’d just look into each others eyes and connect like old soul mates and be a little family of best friends, instantly.

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My wife and son are away visiting family in the Midwest.  It’s the first time we’ve been apart for more than a night since Cillian was born, and while great nights of undisturbed sleep have been cherished I find myself missing the comforts of family.  My boy’s first smile in the morning when I enter his room.  Watching him light up every time he sees his Mommy, and seeing them interact together.

My wife really is an amazing mother.  We have an anniversary coming up, and while I was thinking about it in her absence I came across something I wrote for her a few years ago, pre-baby.  It’s funny that as we’ve become parents, it rings more true than before.

Anniversarius

As time has aged us
We assumed our roles faithfully
Creating our world while
Changing along the way.
You are not the girl I fell in love with
You are more…
Lover
Partner
Cherished friend.

Somewhere I lost myself
To become Yours.
Living for your every heartbeat
Existing for your very breath.
Even though luster has worn to comfort
You still fill me with awe…
a glance
a smile
a childish laugh.

Looking back at our beginnings
Admiring how we’ve come so far
I never imagined a life this full
A romance this deep.

I remember our first night like it was yesterday.
In that moment I saw you for the first time,
Beautiful. Free. Magnetic,
I was drawn to you, more than I knew.
Taking your hand, our journey began
Making the world feel brand new.

I remember our first day as husband and wife.
I saw you in all your glory,
Excited. Whole. Electric,
As we bound ourselves together, forever.
Taking your hand, our lives began
Making each day feel brand new.

This was written by my wife Casey for our little Cillian.  I thought it was poignant, and wanted to share it with you. ~Cole

One of these days, probably sooner rather than later,
I’m not going to be able to nurse you to sleep anymore.

And you’re going to stop falling asleep on my shoulder, grasping onto my shirt and holding me as if I’m your whole world.

At some point, the one am, three am, and five am snuggle times will cease.

One of these days you’ll stop laughing and flashing that big grin of mine (with my one random dimple) at me when I make funny faces and noises.

One of these days it won’t be like this anymore,
so I’m going to be thankful, now, for every moment that it is.

One more night slipping into

the small hours of the morning

where dreams and truth can merge

and reality is rarely obvious.

Here the stillness is serene, yet disconcerting.

It amplifies the emptiness

present in your absence.  I wait

with mounting anticipation of your return,

knowing I cannot surrender to the shadows

and fall into their dreamscapes.

Without a companion

I lay waiting, catatonic,

longing for my guide.

An undiscovered world

awaits your big blue eyes.

I wrote this while laying in bed sometime around 3:00am staring at my 3 day old boy.  He amazes me, and is giving me a better understanding of God’s love for us.

It’s overwhelming.

After the poem are pictures and the story.

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A decade has passed in the blink of an eye
yet I cannot remember my life without you.
All fleeting thoughts and cherished memories
are intricately entwined with images of you:
youthful,
vibrant,
stealing my heart.
That is still how I see you.
Captivating me endlessly with your presence.
Longing in your absence.
Reveling in your love.

Our adventure has just begun,
much is left to discover
many years left to explore
as we are writing a love story for the ages.

This is a guest post from my wife Casey, whose sweet side is rarely made public.  As a tribute to father’s day, she asked me to publish this letter she wrote for our soon-to-arrive son.  It’s pretty awesome.  Here goes.

Son-

I wanted to let you know some reasons why Christopher Cole Bradburn is going to be the best father ever. And he’s going to be yours, you lucky little guy.

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I feel the rhythmic beat of my heart
counting the seconds until your arrival.

I can see you in there,
kicking, stretching, pushing against
the boundaries of your world…

Soon, little man, there will be a
great big world for you to discover.
It needs you to push against your boundaries too.

It’s beautiful, scary, and amazing
all at once, but don’t worry
I’ll be your guide.
We will explore it together.

You’ll learn to create, to share, to give.

To Love.

I Love You.

And until we meet face to face
I’ll keep counting heartbeats
and dreaming of you.