My wife and son are away visiting family in the Midwest.  It’s the first time we’ve been apart for more than a night since Cillian was born, and while great nights of undisturbed sleep have been cherished I find myself missing the comforts of family.  My boy’s first smile in the morning when I enter his room.  Watching him light up every time he sees his Mommy, and seeing them interact together.

My wife really is an amazing mother.  We have an anniversary coming up, and while I was thinking about it in her absence I came across something I wrote for her a few years ago, pre-baby.  It’s funny that as we’ve become parents, it rings more true than before.

Anniversarius

As time has aged us
We assumed our roles faithfully
Creating our world while
Changing along the way.
You are not the girl I fell in love with
You are more…
Lover
Partner
Cherished friend.

Somewhere I lost myself
To become Yours.
Living for your every heartbeat
Existing for your very breath.
Even though luster has worn to comfort
You still fill me with awe…
a glance
a smile
a childish laugh.

Looking back at our beginnings
Admiring how we’ve come so far
I never imagined a life this full
A romance this deep.

Walking through familiar crossings
searching for a path I strayed from long ago.
Destiny they called it, but what do they know?
For they have risked nothing but words
at its mystery while ensconced in their refuge.

The comfort once felt is now shrouded in fear,
disguised as ambiguity to the watchful as
darkness envelops the passage.
I have lost the directions I once knew by heart
and blindly follow latent recollections,
desperate for an ending that is never in sight.

I woke up today
Surrounded by madness
It’s never enough
Consumerism sadness
Driving the world
Promising happiness
Buying these things
To cover the darkness
Leaving a trail
That’s empty and callous
Hungry for more
We search for wholeness
Out in the world
Getting lost in the process
Refusing to look
Inward for greatness
Discovering in ourselves
The courage to face this.

Growing with my Son

A child changes a man.

Making him older and younger all at once.

It reminds him of his heritage and legacy

while rediscovering play and his inner child.

It’a a unique time, to grow in both directions.

A time to be savored, cherished, loved.

Embraced.

A child shifts a man’s perspective

From changing the world to raising a family.

It puts what is truly important into focus

Maybe for the first time…

And every time you see a smile, a look of wonder.

It’s wonderful.

A child completes a man

It makes him whole by

Uniting his life across time.

The boy with the man,

The adventurer with the provider,

The magical with reason.

A child makes him a Dad.

I remember our first night like it was yesterday.
In that moment I saw you for the first time,
Beautiful. Free. Magnetic,
I was drawn to you, more than I knew.
Taking your hand, our journey began
Making the world feel brand new.

I remember our first day as husband and wife.
I saw you in all your glory,
Excited. Whole. Electric,
As we bound ourselves together, forever.
Taking your hand, our lives began
Making each day feel brand new.

starlit sky covering
all that is gray
shrouding this blandness
with your deception
creating the mysterious
out of the ordinary
offering hope that more
is hiding out there
…just out of sight and out of reach

this elusive fantasy remains
real until it is seen
and is then lost forever
it’s mythology cut
apart with truth
exposed for what it is
…false hopes and dreams

Time marches on without feeling or pause
Steadily bringing about a changing of the guard.
Greens turn brown, and trees become naked
All is cold and barren but not forgotten.

For Life marches on, just under the surface
Without care or worry of what happens above.
Waiting and growing, for it’s time is near
To rise again and color the Earth
Signifying a season of rebirth.

On and on it goes, you see
Time and Life have a sense of irony.
Beholden to each other
Yet in constant struggle
Until they learn to march hand in hand.

This was written by my wife Casey for our little Cillian.  I thought it was poignant, and wanted to share it with you. ~Cole

One of these days, probably sooner rather than later,
I’m not going to be able to nurse you to sleep anymore.

And you’re going to stop falling asleep on my shoulder, grasping onto my shirt and holding me as if I’m your whole world.

At some point, the one am, three am, and five am snuggle times will cease.

One of these days you’ll stop laughing and flashing that big grin of mine (with my one random dimple) at me when I make funny faces and noises.

One of these days it won’t be like this anymore,
so I’m going to be thankful, now, for every moment that it is.

I can see you changing, little man.
Each day you are full of new wonders and discoveries.
A smile,
A laugh,
A look of recognition.
These milestones both break and warm my heart
As I realize there are so many moments now past.
They are recorded in a baby blue book full of your pictures
In an attempt to preserve their freshness.

I have to remember to keep looking forward.
There’s so much to see, so much to miss if
I’m not here, fully, with you in the present.

You enchant me, little man.
Staring into your bright blue eyes
Calms my impatient soul.
Hours pass in mere minutes.
You’ve taught me to be still, and to revel in it.
For time is much more fleeting than I ever knew,
Now documented in inches and pounds.
They seem to pass faster than days.

In this stillness, I try to will time to stop
So we can stay together.
I know it is futile; I’m simply not ready to let go.

Something wants to leap out of my heart,
yet I am not knowing what it is.
It is pure, powerful, and has always been present
especially on this night
at this time
staring up at this sky.

I am left feeling small, feeling overwhelmed
feeling moved, feeling significantly insignificant
in this great world that is longing for what is in my heart.
For it’s purity
for it’s power
for it’s omnipresence, it’s connectedness.

Maybe it is this night, and this night only
that I seek it
that I glimpse it
that I realize it is a vision inside me.
I have been searching in the wrong places with the wrong eyes
afraid to open my heart, that it may leap out and be gone,
leaving this shell without feeling, without purpose however unknown.
powerless.

Oh if that were true, yet I know it cannot be.
I cannot wait another year, far too many are now passed
and with each it takes longer to find.

Oh, that it may live in my heart forever
radiating purely,
powerfully,
purposefully.
Christmas, the miracle of birth
of Hope
of Love
of Salvation.
Open my heart, my eyes
Unlock my passion, my purpose
That I may share it with the world all year long.