Confession to My Son

Why I Didn’t Get Emotional and Cry Tears of Joy When You Were Born

First off, you are so very deeply loved and you have changed me, for the better, more than any other life event. Hands down. Ever. But I didn’t get emotional and cry when you were born, like I thought I would. I always heard people talk about an instant bond or connection with their newborn and an overwhelming sense of gratitude. It’s not that I didn’t have that, in my own way, but it was different than I had heard described by other moms. And it was different than I thought it would be.

I was surprisingly calm and I just wanted to look at you and figure out all the details of your brand new little self. I initially just thought maybe we’d just look into each others eyes and connect like old soul mates and be a little family of best friends, instantly.

When that didn’t happen I felt like maybe I has messed up somewhere. Maybe I just didn’t “get it” and I had missed the mark. But as time went on, and you and I both grew, it all made sense. We didn’t need to have an instant, blinding connection upon our first moments together, because we’ve built it, over time, during these past 14 months. And it’s stronger now than ever.

I am so grateful for you, for my experience giving birth to you, and for the joy, love, and amazement you open my eyes to every single day.

Just because my connection with you didn’t start out how I expected it to, that doesn’t make it any less real or powerful. You and your daddy are the most amazing guys and you make me want to be better each day. You are inspirational!

But if I’m being completely honest, I think that I will probably get emotional and cry if I give birth to a little sibling for you in the future. Not because I will automatically have a connection with him, but because I will know that he will strengthen me and open my eyes to love and joy, just as you have, my Cillian.